i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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