the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
