i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
