Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
