Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
