If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
