I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
