dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Randomize
