every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
