My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
