Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Can't talk, ducks in the car
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