wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
