I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
