youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
