I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
