i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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