Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
