oh god the rape fog is back!
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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