I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
