I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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