just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Randomize
