Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
