clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
