he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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