If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
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