I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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