Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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