I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
