i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
