If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
