Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Randomize
