Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Randomize
