I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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