Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
