I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
