Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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