just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Alive.
So much puke
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
