Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
