Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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