So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
