Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
