you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
