Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
