i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
