see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
