i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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