brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
