Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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