Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
