I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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