there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
