turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
