The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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