Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
