You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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